One Spring term, there were more recorded cases of academic dishonesty and misinterpretation of academic rules than in the previous three years. After listening to an appeal made by a student about a particularly thorny problem in which the student was denied graduation (justifiably), I jotted down some of the more common questions and statements and then wrote down how I would like to respond.  After doing this silly mental exercise, I felt better.  I do not utter such reponses but the temptation does arise from time to time.

Can I assume that many advisors have been "tempted" to say, when a student says this, your reponse might be. . . .

1.  But no one told me. . .

         "And when they did, you went deaf."

2.  I want to work with people, I'm a people person . . .

         "Gee, I didn't realize you had a choice . . . "

3.  I work best under pressure . . .

         "Translation:  You always wait until the last minute before

starting . "

4.  But my sorority (or fraternity) chapter meets at the same time. . .

         "Do you want to remain a member or fail the class? . . "

5.  I want to go into public relations . . .

         "I get it.  You like to talk a lot . . . "

6.  I find everything interesting . . .

         "No you don't, you just don't wish to make a decision . . . "

7.  I can't find anything that interests me . . .

         "I bet your dates find you dull too. . . "

8.  I don't have an advisor . ..

         "Have you looked ? . . . "

9.  My advisor is never available . . .

         "You stopped by once (on a Saturday) and he was gone . . "

10.  My advisor doesn't understand my problems . . .

         "Sure she does.  She understands all too well . .. "

11. What are the really "good" courses? . . . "

         "You mean, where can I get an easy grade . . . "

12. Where's the library? . . .

         "And you are a senior . . .  "

13. Why do I have to study all this stuff? . . .

         "You don't, but you might want to graduate . . . "

14. Ya know, uh . . .

         "No."

15. I can do my own advising . . .

         "Sure you can.  And you will file a complaint when you screw up . . . "

16. I couldn't find anything in the library about that . . .

         "You mean, World War II was that long ago . . . "

17. I need a requirement waived . . .

         "It won't happen but at least you knew it was a requirement. . . "

18. Can I call you at home if I need a signature? . . .

         "1..2..3..4..5..6..7..8..9..10.. You would call me where?. . . "

19. Now, where in the catalog does it say that . . .

         "Can't you read it as well as I . . . "

20. What sign? . . .

         "The one over your head (or is everything that way for you?). . .

21. Aren't you going to make out my schedule for me? . . .

         "I suppose someone has to tell you to go potty, too! . . ."

22. I need the Dean's signature right now .  . .

         "And yet, you won't let me read the petition. . . "

23. This has to be in by 4 pm. . . .

         "And now it is 3.59!"

24. I know it is the ninth week but how do I petition to get out of this class?

         "Wouldn't it be easier just to study for the exam? . . . "

25. Who do I gotta see about getting a waiver? . . .

         "It's, whom do I see, knucklehead .. . . "

26. I don't want any Friday afternoon classes . . .

         "Or Monday mornings either, I bet . . . "

27. Are you busy? . . .

         "Actually, not a bad question . . . "

28. I want to take all my classes S/U . . . .

         "!@#$%^&*()***####ARRRRGGGGHHHHHH. . . "

29. I can't take early classes as I am not a morning person . . . "

         "Well, we have a nice 10 pm seminar that . . . "

30. Do you know anything? . . . .

         "My wife's name, where my office is and how much money I don't have "

31. What do I gotta do to get through this course? . . . .

         "I bet your professor could give you a grade right now . . .. "

32. I'm just not mathematically oriented . . ..

         "Yet you know your Dad's VISA account number, expiration date, how

         max it out and keep it that way for . . . . . ."

33. Just a quick question. . .

         "Oh, God!  THE KISS OF DEATH . . . .

34. That professor doesn't grade fairly . . .

         "Blew another one, eh?. . . . "

35. Got a minute? . . . .

         "In plain English, you want an hour-and-a-half . . .. "

36.  What's a major?. . . .

         "Someone higher than a captain. . . . "

37. Can I substitute HUMAN SEXUALITY for my lab science requirement?. . ..

         "I know what kind of lab you are interested in. . . . "

38. Did I miss anything because I am registering two weeks late? . . .

         "I bet he still picks his nose and hides it under the couch . . . "

39. Can you plan out my four years for me? . . .

         "The Army needs volunteers, the marines a few good men . . . "

40. But I thought my appointment was for the 31st . . .

         "And you didn't remember this was February? . . . "

41. I blew that class because of problems with my girl friend  . .

         "She was smart enough to say no.. . . "

42. My class is so unchristian . . .

         "I would suspect that HST 472, History of Islam could strike you

         that way . . . "

43. I want to be happy and successful . . .

         "Sorry, but I cannot make the professors change your grades.. . . "

44. My Prof is a pervert . . .

         "Well he does expect you to attend class and complete assignments . . "

45. My Prof expects too much .  . .

         "You mean, assignments in on time, with correct spelling, punctuation

         and being non-plagaristic? . . . "

46. The classes here aren't really challenging or relevant to my needs . . .

         "I know, you are very humble and proud of it.. . . ."

47. The faculty really don't understand my wants and needs . . .

         "Which are likely illegal but fun to think about . . . "

48. I find all this junk boring . . .

         "Is that why your GPA is 0.43?. . . . "

49. I really don't understand why I don't do better in my classes . . .

         "Well, it helps to know there are 26 letters in the alphabet . .. "

50. I really don't know where to start . . .

         "My God! Zounds! An honest person.  Diogenes has arrived. . . "